Parenting by Grace

Parenting by Grace

(This is a rework of an excellent article by Neil Williams which has radically changed the views of many people in our church about how to parent. Used with Neil Williams permission.)

This is an article contrasting the difference between parenting by grace and parenting by law. We will use Cain as the example of parenting by law and Abel as the example of parenting by grace. Let's start with Cain's overall problem (as it appears to him) and listen as he gets advice from Mr. Christian Not Living by the Gospel.

How Do I Discipline My Children and Get Them to do What I Want?

The overall problem as it appears to Cain. This is where Cain (and us) usually starts out:

1. Situational: The children are misbehaving, demanding, selfish, arrogant, fighting, pushing, testing, noisy, talking back, and exhibiting plain disobedience. The house is a mess with a lack of control, order, and peace. There is a lack of help from the spouse. Other people frown on me and my kids.

"Mount Sinai" is the favorite Broadway show: with the giving of the law, loud voice, special efforts - like throwing things, manipulations, etc. Everyone else is quivering before the "almighty god." It has also been heard around the house: "Because I am your mother..." "Why are you so selfish?" "Because I say so..." "You live in my house, you will do as I say..." "I don't care what you.." "Didn't I just tell you" "Stop whining..." "No!..."

"Judge Dread" is the favorite movie: "There is no God, there is only the Law...I am the Law." Mr. Tyrant uses discipline to bring about control, order, and his sovereign plan. Mrs. Doormat "protects" her children by not disciplining. She is fearful of her husband. The husband rejects her and she would hate to face her child's rejection and anger in response to discipline. Yet she resorts to her own manipulations: "You don't love me..." "Nobody cares for me..." "I care too much for my children..." She prefers to put up with "Jumanji" rather than engage her children.

Mr. Tyrant doesn't have the time after all he is a busy and important man. He is in control at work all day, things are ordered, but back at home -- well that would take faith! His work encompasses his life because he has no ability or desire to be at home for too long. Mrs. Doormat is ruled by her child's opinion of her and she doesn't want to deal with more rejection: "At least I should give my children a break after what they have to put up with from their father." Discipline is simply too hard to bear. Both parents are distant from their children.

2. Existential: The parents experience feelings of guilt, anger, worry, the sense of being overwhelmed, and a failure. They have tried many things but have blundered. They are confused -- their relationship with kids is like a yo-yo. The kids are messing up my psychological well being. The parents don't feel like going places because the children fuss so much. Conscience condemns. Don't want to honestly look at the issues -- too difficult and painful.

3. Normal Response: They know that somewhere in God's word, He is telling them to be different. So they come with a question, "How can I discipline my children and get them to do what I want?"

Cain Speaks to Mr. Christian Not Living by the Gospel

So Cain goes to get advice from Mr. Christian. This is Mr. Christian N.L.B.T.G. (NOT Living by the Gospel). Cain asks the question, "How do I discipline my children?" He gets a host of directives from Mr. Christian:

Be consistent: If you say you are going to do something, carry it out.
Prepare your children before you go to another house, e.g., you cannot touch the books there, even though daddy lets you play with his books.
There are certain things that you as the parent are not to tolerate: whining/complaining, talking back, name-calling, swearing, laziness, stealing, and lying.
Stress not only negatives "Do not," but "you are allowed to do this and that."
Rules on the fridge, list of chores. Clearly state what responsibilities are so that punishment is not arbitrary and there is no debate over what is required.
Get them to listen to your voice. Punish if they do not listen. Do not raise your voice - so they don't only listen when you reach a certain volume.
Use paddle instead of hand.
It is all right to enforce your will on your child.
Never argue in front of children.
"Good children go to the toilet before church."
Never allow your children to disobey without dealing with them.
Confess your sins. Ask for forgiveness.
Cain may even be told to go for his child's heart and not just the external behavior.
Be merciful: Love your children as God loved you.
See how Jesus loved and follow His example.
Mom and Dad are to agree on basic principles.
Don't nag.
Change the way you discipline as your children grow up. E.g., change from "spanking" to "grounding."

This is the common general answer given to Cain. And although Cain in the course of the conversation may have heard about "faith," "forgiveness," "Spirit," "deal with your anger," etc., it is a confusing message with one main point: there are a number of principles and examples to enact. This is unacceptable, as we shall see. Many non-Christians discipline their children along these very same lines and many times they are even more consistent than Christians are. Non-believers know God and hence also His law, although they have no justification for disciplining their children. You could have heard most of this from a Jehovah's witness, a Jew, a moralistic pagan, or a Christian who "hates kids."

This conversation with Cain is structured, neat, and fairly easy. Mr. Christian has a whole set of "instructions" which he gives to anyone who asks. Mr. Christian does not have to enter Cain's world. Conversation is generally one-sided. Cain listens and Mr. Christian talks. Cain asks a few questions to clarify certain situations not covered. Cain leaves with a "program." He has a sense of control, accomplishment, and direction. "I can do this..." mentality. Cain also praises Mr. Christian for his wisdom, experience, and knowledge.

Mr. Christian gives the impression that his life is all-together. His experience and knowledge convince him. This is, at best, a very shallow conversation, at worse it is a different gospel. There are enormous problems here, but suffice to say that Mr. Christian and Cain don't notice a problem.

Cain Goes Out to Put This Into Practice

Now Cain goes out and tries to put these instructions into practice. Which one of these directives could Cain not put in practice? None. He can do all of them. (Or at least attempt them -- after all he is confident). Ok, you know the problem. God says, "I do not accept this. This is not what I require. Only if you do what is right will you be accepted. You have wasted your time." And that makes Cain very angry to hear that he has wasted his time, when he thought he was doing a good job. God's rebuke goes right over his head. Am I not doing what is right? Doesn't this count for something?

Make no mistake: there are certain benefits that come to Cain. His children are more well behaved; they make less noise around the house; Cain doesn't raise his voice as high as he used to because his children started to learn that daddy is going to whack them even when his voice is low (kind of a low growl). But even for Cain there is something missing. He struggles with the "many other situations" not originally covered. So he goes back to Mr. Christian for more advice and in a small or big way they form a "co-idolatrous" relationship. Mr. Christian feels good because he helps, advises, and dispenses knowledge. Cain feels good because he has someone to rely on.

But we have left out Jesus, the Spirit, and the gospel. Nothing has changed...sorry, something has changed...Cain has gotten worse. He is more self-righteous and his children know it. He is getting into more power struggles with his children. His anger increases as well as his lack of forgiveness, since he has no "power" to live the way God requires. Sin takes hold of the increased knowledge of "law" and incites increased disobedience. (In the real Cain's life this lack of power is clearly and terrifyingly demonstrated.)

At a deep level, Cain has missed out on everything. God is not pleased. Why? Cain has incorporated "instruction" or "law" or "principles of discipline" into his life of unbelief and now offers the "sacrifice of child discipline."

Because he is not living by faith he disciplines out of fear, out of his self-proclaimed "lordship," and out of desires for control, order, peace, security, and self-righteousness. Worse still: he now has moral justification for his tyranny.

If Cain is "Mrs. Doormat" he quickly gives up and moves into a different type of pretense. "I'll pretend that my children aren't that bad and don't need us."
He enforces his will on his children because he desires an ordered house and world, hence no loud music and yelling.
He is fearful of what others think so he teaches his children manners. He would hate others to think of him as a slob. He would like others to know that he has done a good job at parenting. Furthermore, slurping soup offends his idea of external propriety.
He does not tolerate crying or whining because that disrupts the false peace he has erected around himself and which he desperately tries to hold together. He disciplines disobedience, lack of respect, not listening, and lying because he is "God." "How dare they lie to me!" "I speak and it is done...but it isn't!" So rather than giving up my belief that I am God, I express my wrath to demonstrate just how "godlike" I really am (in case there is any confusion or doubt about the matter). He justifies his actions by law, "God commands that children honor, respect, and obey their parents."
Because he is building his own righteousness, he passes this onto his children by demanding that they "perform." They learn that "performance" counts for something (or everything). "Conform and Pretend" -- you conform and we will all pretend we are doing a good job.
He does not tolerate things done accidentally because he has been told to be consistent.
He uses discipline to deal with guilt in his life, "Ok, I sometimes get angry and mean with the kids, but at least I am disciplining them." Discipline is now his penance. "I mean, isn't it better that I discipline than just leave them alone?" "Surely this 'sacrifice' has some value?" He is full of self-justification.
He can even address his child's heart without his heart being reached. It is a bit more difficult, but it can be done. He may point out idols, etc.
I created them. I can do what I like with them -- e.g., make them my slaves. "Do the dishes." "Take out the garbage." "Set the table." "Clean this mess up."
I say "No!" because I am God who can impose law which reflects my character.
He can also say, "Well, I guess I have to pray about my children and bring them before God," but even his prayers incorporate his ruling desires and so he is not praying according to the desires of God.
He repents but it is worldly -- like Pharaoh, Saul, and Judas. Like Saul, Cain may even come to a correct analysis of his heart, i.e., recognize the idolatry (See 1 Samuel 15:24-26 where Saul acknowledges that he is ruled by fear and hence he disobeyed). Quite a few Christians don't even live at this level of awareness of what Saul saw in his own life. On the surface it would appear that Saul repented, yet it is worldly sorrow. We can "do penance," in other words, we can get good at analysis and looking into ourselves. "I see that this ruling idol of fear drove me to disobey the word of the Lord in this area. I'm sorry, please forgive me."

Now, was it wrong that Cain goes out and disciplines his children? No. God commands that Cain sacrifice. God commands that we discipline our children. The issue is not what the law requires. The problem is that Cain thought that his action of sacrifice counted for something -- either in his standing before God (for his justification or sanctification), or that his actions would somehow affect his heart. Neither is true. Cain's sacrifice had no impact on his relationship with God nor upon his heart -- apart from bringing further sin to expression and fruition. It is the fundamental mistake of many to think that "doing" will somehow effect the heart or that it somehow counts for something in some area. It misses the deceptiveness and depravity of the heart which by nature takes these things and thinks they add up to something before God or others, or that they have "transforming power."

The Scriptures are clear that whatever is not of faith is sin, and the only thing that counts or has value is faith working through love. Now granted it is better to have a Pharisee as a neighbor rather than Joe Stalin. You might not get invited for dinner, but at least you will stay alive. It is not that Cain should not have done what he did. Cain should sacrifice because it is what the Lord commands, but it doesn't count for anything, does not affect his heart, and it is not considered obedience because it does not proceed from faith. Not to say that Cain has to have perfect motivation. Abel was also a great sinner, yet the way he lived was fundamentally different. It is not as if Cain has been using No Name brand shampoo and now he has to use Panteen Pro V. It is not a matter of degree, as if he needs to hear about another perspective added to his life. Cain needs the Gospel!

Cain's life is one of self-justification. If questioned about his life-style or heart, he justifies all the above actions in various ways. His answers demonstrate that, at best, he is not living out of the Gospel, at worse, that he is not justified.

Is it not important that I discipline my children? Surely I should discipline even though I don't have this "faith" way of life worked out?
Does not God command us to discipline?
"I know I am a sinner," i.e., don't bring up my sin.
Surely telling my children to turn down the music or do the dishes is not wrong (i.e., the problem is not me but you, in that you are negating law!). If I didn't do these things my house would be in chaos, and God would not want that would He?

Abel Speaks to Mr. Christian Living by the Gospel

Abel goes to speak to a different Mr. Christian. This is Mr. Christian L.B.T.G. (Living by the Gospel). Abel hears something quite different than Cain. This talk is not as clear-cut or easy to describe. Abel hears something that is so different that it is, at first, quite confusing. He really has never heard this before. It is another world-view: the gospel. This conversation is two-way. It is not a neat conversation. No set of principles in the beginning. Mr. Christian knows that Abel needs someone else. First: "Who to" not "how to." Abel is going to hear about faith as it impacts his relationship with his children. He hears, "If you want to reach your children, your heart must first be reached and on a continual basis. Anything not done out of faith is filthy rags, dung, garbage, hay and straw that is going to be burnt up at the last day. But this faith is not nebulous, 'I believe in God' type of thing. It is very specific."

Well how does faith impact this area? Mr. Christian, in bringing the gospel to Abel, leads him to the point of humility. My kids are a mess because I am a bigger mess. Why do they act the way they do? Because they are my children. I am far more selfish than my children and a greater sinner. I am a wretched man/woman when it comes to my relationship with my children. If my children are hard, I have an even harder heart. But this attitude is something that the Spirit engenders in Abel's life. The Spirit (not Mr. Christian) opens my eyes to what is going on and to see that I do not naturally live out of the gospel and my great need for Jesus.

Mr. Christian poses a number of questions and comments relating to Abel's old way of living:

Where is the Power of the Gospel to do these great things that you have been told to do? You and I are totally unable to love the way God requires. It is no use saying, "Be merciful," "Be consistent," and assume that we have the power to carry this out. We need to first focus on our total inability to love in any way. The Gospel confronts our ingrown self-righteousness in this regard. The statement, "I am a Christian, therefore I have the Spirit, and therefore I have power" does not follow. The Galatian churches are a clear example that we can be in the church and yet have no power to love, only bite and devour. The life of faith is not automatic. The power of the Gospel does not flow into your life like a thermostat turning on in winter.
Where is the central role of the Holy Spirit -- Is He filling and enabling you to love - in regard to your children?
Who is the biggest sinner in the family? We treat our kids as if they are bigger sinners. We get on their case because they are selfish, but we are controlling and demanding and unforgiving. Always look for your own sin -- we are so good at looking at others.
Where is the central stress on the "repentant parent"? There should be no debate: we have far more to repent of than our children. We would rather be told anything else except be humbled. We would rather give our firstborn than walk humbly with our God. "Show me my idolatry, give me a program, give me a break!, but don't call me to repentance."
It is great to look at the heart, but how does the heart change? You have no ability to change your own heart, let alone your kids.
Your heart is in far worse shape than you think or pretend. Your heart is a non-stop factory of sin and idolatry. Even as a Christian you have no power of yourself to change your heart.
Where is the central focus on faith?
How does God work? God does not work through the proud: James 4. James is speaking to the church. We are the proud. To truly hear the Gospel is to be humbled. To not hear is to get angry.
How do we really point our children to Jesus? We do this primarily by showing them how much we need Jesus. "This is how you deal with your sin - come to Jesus." If we do not live by grace we are not going to parent by grace.
What is the role of "law" or "principles" or "instructions"? With our cold and arrogant hearts our natural tendency is to incorporate principles into our life of unbelief and the result is "works of the flesh." "Why are you so selfish?" is a meaningless question unless you are a law-giver. "I have got it together and now I am going to make my kids get it together. And the way I am going to do this is by law." We need to know that the "works of the flesh" are unacceptable to God even if they look good or bring order to our lives.
Your flesh is far stronger than your will power to conquer it. Even if your will can "control" your flesh on Sunday, by Monday it is clear your heart has not changed.
Where is the Gospel dynamic? Faith/Spirit - repentance/humility -- obedience/real love. Instead of a confusing hodge-podge of Spirit, repentance, faith, and law.

Specifically, Abel starts to see a number of things:

Godly discipline is impossible -- like any other aspect of love. I am unable to just go out and live the way God desires (Romans 7:19). The way God wants me to live -- I am unable to live this way, even with all the advice, gifts, experience, age, knowledge, degrees, schemes and dreams.
Many start with the assumption that children are basically evil and selfish. That is true, but now I first start with the assumption that parents are basically evil: "unless you become like little children..." If folly is bound up in the heart of a child, even more corruption is bound up in the heart of the parent: their evil is far more refined, whitewashed, sin is better covered over, lies are more deceptive, knowledge has puffed up, evil habits are now embedded, and the heart has become hardened over the years (Romans 3:9-18). (This is where books on parenting need to start!)
No one needs the gospel more than I do (The Christian Living by Grace’s 1st law). This also applies in regards to my children. The gospel concerns your heart not your garments. God first wants your heart. The gospel first applies to you before it applies to anyone else. Why? Because you need it more than anyone else does! What good is it if I gain the whole world and yet lose my soul? I have been so consumed over where my child needs to change that I myself have missed Jesus.
God not only gives grace to the humble, He also works through the humble. God opposes the proud as well as their message! (James 4). The only way to reach other people for Christ is first to have your heart reached.
Notice how quick I have been to "discipline" and how slow I have been to love. My eyes start to open and I begin to see that I am sacrificing my children rather than walking humbly with my God (Micah 5:6-8). I see that I have believed that they must die for me, rather than me for them. My control, my anger, and my manipulation demonstrate that this is what I truly believe.
Whatever is not of faith is sin. And child discipline falls under this category. It is sin if it is not done in or out of faith (Romans 14:23).
I now see how crying, whining, and disobedience disrupts my false peace, my control, and my order: my perfect-world-without-Christ.
Not listening and speaking back disrupts my false lordship ("I'm the kind of the castle and you're the dirty rascal").
Kids’ manners and behavior before others disrupt my false righteousness and desire for a reputation.
Their desire for independence and carelessness enforce my fears and anxieties and conflict with my desire for control.
I see my "discipline" as an attempt to control my world rather than to love my children. I now see this type of discipline as really sinful rather than a "good attempt."
I see that behind every demand is a law, and behind every law is a ruling idol. Behind every "Mount Sinai" in my home is my ruling desire to be God and for my children to treat me as such. Although some may think I am doing a great job, I now know that I have missed the gospel boat when it comes to my kids.
My knowledge has puffed me up and blinded me. I have been "watching" my children instead of really loving them. And they know it! They see my pretense and wonder why I speak about Jesus. I start listening to my children when they tell me what I am like and how I come across.
Instead of the parent who always has a plan and knows what to do, I become a repentant parent; a parent who is deeply conscious of my greater failing; an "unsure" parent who is conscious of my ability to be greatly deceived and blinded by many things. I recognize my pre-occupation with self and my inability to change.
I see a new dynamic: God my heavenly Father -- reaches my heart with His love -- which in turn reaches my children through me. I become an instrument of the peace and love of God. In the end it is the love of Christ working through us, as we believe the Gospel.
I continually repent of my arrogant and selfish spirit towards my children. I seek their forgiveness time and again. My children start to wonder what happened. The Gospel humbles me because I have now heard it -- previously I just got angry and dismissive. I make less noise around the house!
I learn that life is like the weather (no pattern ever repeats) only infinitely more complicated. No system, program or "expert parent" is going to get it together for me. I learn that I need grace not only for each day, but each situation. I now approach my children very differently: "Lord, I don't know what to do or say. Lord, help me. Send your spirit to enable me. Take away my blindness and my ‘plank’ (Matthew 7:3)."
I understand that it is not enough to see what idols are in my heart ("Wow, look what is ruling my life in this area. I never saw this before!"). Or even to see what is ruling my children's lives. What counts is this: Am I truly repenting of these things and going back to Jesus? My knowledge of idolatry feeds my repentance, not my intellect.
My prayer life changes dramatically. I pray for my children in a different way. My focus is different. I am far more concerned with all the areas where Christ needs to reach my heart and life in regards to my relationship with my children. I place no confidence in the flesh, but all confidence in Christ who is able to do immeasurably more.

Abel Returns Home Humbled by the Gospel

The outworking of this repentance and renewed faith is that we discipline under the broader framework of love. We cannot speak of discipline apart from speaking about love. God calls us to love our children, and discipline is just a small part of that love. In other words it is a small part of the entire loving relationship we are called to have with our children. Our focus is on love (1 Corinthians 13) not discipline, i.e., entering their world, playing, enjoying, understanding, sharing, giving, having patience, teaching, bearing, spending plenty of time, etc. But since our topic deals with discipline: focusing on discipline as a small aspect of this love, we note that this love includes many of those principles already given to Cain. Cain says, there is no difference, but Abel knows that there is all the difference in the world: between the gospel and another gospel, which is no gospel at all. Love includes the principles, but it may modify some of them. Some principles, when worked through the gospel, turn out to be worldly.

So take most of the principles given to Cain and put them there. But note, "love" may find some of them offensive or just unsuitable!
Is discipline to be consistent? Yes, generally speaking, because love is always to be consistent. This is rooted in the character of God. God is consistent. But He is consistent in the whole of His character, so He has not treated us as our sins deserve. Regarding consistency, the letter of the law says there are no exceptions, but love is different. Love really concerns the spirit of the law. Love takes account of illness, tiredness, accidents, extenuating circumstances, or the personality of the child. Love has entered the world of the child and can sense what is right. Love has freedom to it. It has the freedom and power to say in your heart, "I am going to forgive and overlook this offense, not because it is not wrong or disobedient, but because I want to show my love in a different way. I want my child also to learn what it is like to be unconditionally forgiven and have sins covered over." Instead of discipline you may give a hug (your child may suffer a nervous breakdown). Does not love cover over a multitude of sins? Does not God often surprise us with His love, patience, and forgiveness? We can model the gospel before our children in different, exciting, and surprising ways. Cain would accuse Abel of missing the boat in regards to discipline -- after all aren't we meant to be consistent? But Abel knows that love says, "Obedience is not the only thing I want my child to learn."
Because your heart is reached, you are now in a position to engage a child Pharisee, i.e. the child who grows up thinking he/she is better than others; one who builds a record of achievement, intelligence, morality, beauty, etc. Cain has no ability to reach another Pharisee. He hardly notices the problem. Even if he did, he is in no position to reach his child apart from criticizing, despairing, or getting into destructive conflicts. Abel no longer reinforces self-righteousness from his children, but engages it.
What about spanking young children? This is also part of love (see Proverbs 13:24). Not to spank is unloving. Why? To leave a child to the outworking of his wicked heart is a lack of love. Spanking teaches that sin brings consequences and pain. But please note that in Proverbs the stress is on the father teaching his son to guard his heart, and not on the "rod." Mrs. Doormat is confused about love. Her lack of discipline demonstrates that, like her husband, she does not, in this area, care deep enough for her children.
So what about teaching my children manners? Yes, this is also part of love: "Don't offend people by picking your nose at table." It is unloving to ruin people’s appetite. "Don't run during the church service." It is unloving to distract others from worship. "Standup when people enter a room." It is loving to show respect and honor to people. Say "please" and "thank you." It is loving to show appreciation and gratitude to others. "Do not interrupt." It is loving to listen to people. Manners are a small part of caring deeply for other people. But this is a far cry from disciplining them, because I am fearful of what others think, or because I have an aversion to chaos, or because they offend my self righteousness.
What about after discipline? Love says that discipline is not hit and run. The gospel arrests hit and run parents. After discipline, love prays, love counsels, and love confesses where you have failed. You will have power to say, "Yes, I also talk back to God," "I also get very angry," "I am even more selfish, than you." For every sin you discipline, you will find an equal or greater sin in your own life (The Christian Living by Grace’s 3rd law).
I no longer downplay the law in my own life. I see that failure in my closest earthly relationships is indicative of my closest relationship -- with God. Resentment and anger towards my children is a small indication of my anger and resentment towards God. After all, I am pretty angry with God as well. I would rather sacrifice my children than walk humbly with my God. I no longer assume that myself or others have power to obey apart from the Spirit working through faith and repentance.
I use discipline as an instrument of grace to reach my child's heart for Jesus. It is one way of teaching my children that they need Jesus. Now my goal, methods, and focus are very different.
The outcome of this love is a growing fellowship, friendship, and intimacy with my children. (My mantra is no longer, "I'm their parent, not their friend!")

This is not a nice neat box like the instructions given to Cain. In fact you are filled with a sense of your own inability to truly love your children in any way. We fail even in this small area of disciplining our children. And everyday is going to be different -- different circumstances in which you are called to love. So the 30 odd principles given to Cain are hardly going to be a drop in the ocean. Abel is going to leave this conversation saying, "I don't have it together." There is going to be the feeling of deep weakness, which is going to drive him to Jesus and His Spirit for daily help.

The life of faith is a struggle, it is a good fight, and more often than not, it does not at first feel good, because it means dying to ourselves -- our selfish ambitions and "sovereign plans." Without Jesus and His Spirit I could not accomplish any of this. Abel is now the repentant parent. And it is this humility, combined with the message of the gospel, which is attractive to children. It engages your child's heart, because it has first engaged yours. You are now concentrating not only on external behavior, but also the heart. You are now, through the Gospel, reaching your child's heart rather than simply addressing it.

You are growing in your love and wisdom because the gospel is addressing your heart, and the Spirit is enabling you, as you believe. The Christian Living by Grace’s 2nd law: SE=fc2 (Spiritual Energy = Faith multiplied by the square of the speed of light). In other words, even the smallest amount of faith produces an incredible amount of energy -- even to move mountains! This is because faith gives you Jesus. The gospel is the power of God to salvation for all who believe.

I once thought that I had lots of power, but that was the deception of the flesh. The flesh is extremely powerful. Anger can produce a nuclear explosion in the house – extreme power. But the radioactive poison remains around and turns our children into cripples and invalids. Broken items and broken relationships stand as great monuments to the capabilities of our sinful hearts. Abel is continually amazed how he can put on a good face at church, presbytery, picnic or whatever. The flesh has powerful morphing capabilities. For its own reasons it does not like to be publicly observed, because its carefully and meticulously crafted view of itself would come crashing down.

The final blessing of parenting by grace is that you are no longer going back to endless discussions with Mr. Christian, because you have become Mr. Christian Living by Grace -- amazing! And you start to teach others the joy of parenting in the gospel.